(This post isn’t really about Amy, but I couldn’t resist.) Paradise Hotel is a place for love to blossom. Having been left all alone when his lady was voted off on Monday, Tom was trying desperately tonight to be funloving and CRAZY, but to no avail. Without his “chocolate syrup” (as Desiree described herself upon entering Paradise), he was just another vanilla ice cream sundae, or maybe one of those bright red cherry-covered soft serve cones that you buy from Mr. Softee.
In a surprise twist, Dave got revenge on Beau by kicking him out of Paradise AGAIN, having already done it once earlier in the season. Beau of course felt very betrayed and also sad to leave Amy all by herself to continue stuffing her pig face with breakfast foods and grossing out all the pretty girls who eat only blue cocktails and berry-flavored lip gloss. Margaret is thrilled that Beau is gone because maybe Amy will go next week and we won’t have to listen to her complain about how much she hates Paradise. This is irritating because she obviously doesn’t hate Paradise (where else would she have a captive at-home audience to listen to her complaining for two hours per week?) and also because Desiree just sacrificed her own place in Paradise on Monday all so Amy could stay. What an ungrateful banshee. If only Zack were still in Paradise, Amy would have her mouth full of either his cock or his fist and she would let us concentrate on the more important things going on, like the s-e-x. Yeah, if only.
Tonight all the residents of Paradise got to have a “seance” with a psychic who spoke only Spanish, which definitely made her seem more credible, at least to Tom who broke down crying when she told him that he could talk to his dead Grandpa. I think his sunburn went to his head. The psychic told Scott that he would make a lot of money as a result of his time in Paradise, and I can only assume that it will be from being
in gay porno, but he would have to be the bottom because he almost certainly has a micropenis, which is an assertion that is supported by much evidence. For one, he’s too embarassed to show it to Holly, and that is why she is constantly climbing all over him and trying to get him to talk about their relationship instead of worrying about the larger (or should I say the smaller) issue.
The most interesting psychic revelation of the night was when Charla was told that she would triumph over her enemies. The mischevious smile that crossed her lips would only reappear later in the night at Beau’s departure. Charla is a wily one, and Margaret thinks it may be due to her prudish nature. When all the girls were stripping out of their clothes and letting the boys eat ice cubes out of their cleavage, she was sitting on the side of the pool, fully clothed and fully disgusted. Tonight she was even more disgusted during what could be the most awkward exchange I have ever seen between two people. While Charla was getting ready to go out, Dave was in the next room telling her in a weird whispery voice that she “could… never be… unattractive. Even if… you shaved your head… and had makeup all over… your face… you would always be… … … beautiful.” After a few seconds that had Margaret and I screaming in discomfort, Charla let us off the hook and said “Thanks Dave.” What a lady.
Next week Paradise Hotel is TWO HOURS long and anything can happen. Maybe we will finally learn about the ULTIMATE PRIZE. Maybe Amy will finally be kicked out of Paradise forever. Maybe Tara will become even more beautiful. Or maybe, just maybe, Alex will come back and get completely naked. That would really be the ultimate prize. Daaamn.