Thanks to an anonymous tip, I’m now a member of the Internet’s most scientific (and most heterosexual) dating site. According to Dr. Neil Clark Warren, if I use his new service “eHarmony.com,” then I will meet a lady that I can really connect with, but not right away! It’s a long road to marital bliss. After hundreds of questions about my idiosyncracies and belief system, I was asked to rank different activities on a scale of “very important” to “not important at all.” Which do I value more: my church community or Water Sports? Easy question!
So I filled out their personality test for like forty-five minutes and I was quite eager to look at the profiles of some good Christian/Jewish/Muslim/Buddhist/Hindu/Other girls, but after searching for my perfect match, the system came up empty! Maybe it’s because I specified that I was only interested in members of The Assembly of God and Vaishnavist Hindus. eHarmony caters to my special needs a little too well… All but the most important one anyway. I’m only allowed to find perfect eHarmony with ladies, but I guess that I should just stop being such a cynic and have a little faith in the power of science.
I was a little upset when I found out that there was no match for me, but the system told me the reason was that I am a special and unique person that is not easily matched. It also said that it would probably find at least twenty matches for me in the next twelve months and that I should take each one very seriously because they will all be POTENTIAL LIFE PARTNERS.
After several years of the no-strings-attached, 99-cents-for-the-night Nerve.com Personals reigning supreme, I’m happy to see the pressure is finally being put back into online dating. I think that when it grows a little, eHarmony should implement an eDowry system, where you pay according to how well your potential life partner complements your own personality. You could even get married online, and you would never have to doubt the beauty of your bride, because she gave herself the highest rating of “7- very attractive.” SCORE!