!! Grocery shopping at midnight !!

may become routine for me now that I live near a 24-hour supermarket. Last night, after eating a meager three-dollar tub of chicken lo-mein and watching America’s Next Top Model, I desperately wanted some donuts, specifically Entenmann’s “Pop ‘Ems,” and saw no reason not to indulge myself. I walked a block, found the objects of my desire, along with a really cool toilet brush and a bottle of Drano for the slow bathroom sink, and returned home. I ate donuts until I felt satisfied/sick and then sat in my chair to watch the news on UPN, where April would be taking questions about her recent elimination from ANTM.
I liked April and I was sad she got voted off. My favorite thing about her was her interpretation of the word “sexy.” When Stephen Fairchild, some American fashion designer who lives in Italy and talks with a vaguely Continental accent, challenged the four girls to


pick out sexy outfits from his collection and he would choose the sexiest, April’s outfit involved a raincoat over a see-through shirt and pants. Later on, they were challenged by Mr. Fairchild to go to the flea market and buy a sexy outfit for $200. April’s outfit included a very short skirt, hooker boots, and some kind of animal fur draped around her neck. It was judged too revealing. In the final challenge, the fearsome foursome had to make sexy outfits out of plain blue t-shirts. April’s was definitely the best, since she made a top and a skirt: the shirt off the shoulder and the skirt almost showing her buttcheeks, and between the two just a touch of midriff revealing her leopard-print panties.
Perfection! But no, the judges claimed it was showing too much skin and she looked like a disco queen. These prejudices on the parts of the judges along with April’s bossiness during the nude, lesbo photoshoot were the reasons for her departure last night, which I found sad, mostly because I wanted Yoanna to be voted off, for these two reasons: She purses her lips out in a transparent effort to look like Audrey Hepburn and she hit on a sexy Italian man by showing him her Ipod. GROSS!
We had all been hearing so much hype about the hot and sexy nature of last night’s episode, how they had to edit it to conform to the new fascist FCC decency standards, etc., but ultimately I derived much more pleasure from scene at the cafe where the contestants had girl talk with Tyra. Shandi asked Tyra if she had ever cheated on anyone and Tyra said no, she hadn’t, which we of course knew already because Tyra is a GOOD PERSON, and you really can’t argue with that. Tyra asked each of the girls how they had changed since being on the show and they fell all over themselves telling her how grateful they were for the opportunity, how they had grown, and all this was interspersed with sincere confessional moments with each of the girls talking about how “when Tyra speaks, you can really tell it comes from the heart.” And you really can, and that’s why I’m grateful to Tyra myself, for making the decision to do something worthwhile like produce a quality television show instead of doing ads for trash like Victoria’s Secret.

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1 Comment on "Grocery shopping at midnight"

  1. Frank, your words always charm and delight me. And if you ever come back to our chilly shores again, plead with J.L. that it is fun to do things other than just hang out with couples (ick, by the way). We have much to discuss, especially since I’ve not seen you since The Apprentice phenom started.

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