Here I sit, watching last week’s Survivor on TiVo with Scott and Ross, and since it’s five days late, I’ve decided to give you a treat with a play-by-play stream of consciousness impressions of the episode. The first revelation of the night is that Lisa the Cajun, my predicted winner, has breast implants! This makes me like her all the more, especially when she is cutting down bunches of plantains from the tallest of trees.
The second revelation of the night is that Bubba, the Rubinesque Southern man, is not gay. Apparently he
has four kids and is married. His not-gayness was further illustrated during the reward challenge when both teams had to squeeze by each other in a very intimate matter on a narrow balance beam. The women won reward, obviously, because women always win balance beam challenges, but the true joy came from watching first the very sexy Brady cling desperately to the naked shoulders of his teammates as he made his way across, and then the almost sexy but fat and strangely Demi-Moore-like John K. pass by the other men just a little too closely. There was one moment as he wrapped his arms around Lea, the drill sergeant, when I thought they were going to neck, so pursed with ecstatic concentration were John?s girlish lips. But alas, Bubba was either A. too fat or B. too not gay to let John K. pass so closely, which led to the men’s defeat.
So the women won some blankets and pillows and other finery, but the men won immunity after gathering puzzle pieces blind-folded under the furious direction of Sergeant Lea and assembling them before the women. This left the women to decide who to vote off. Dolly, the blonde sheep farmer/fashionista, decided to play monkey in the middle, which was the biggest mistake since Christy, the deaf girl from Survivor: Amazon, went around talking about how she was in the “position of power” because she had not allied herself with either of the two major groups. Guess what, Dolly? That person always gets voted off because no one likes a wishy-washy do-gooder like you, even if they?re deaf or look like a Maxim magazine cover. And as if I weren?t glad enough to see her go, her farewell speech clinched it when she said she “just wasn?t cut out for this game” because she is “too simple” and “just a farmgirl at heart.” Perhaps she has appeared in films set on farms, perhaps she appeared in racy outfits, or perhaps she gave the animals something that doesn?t come from a feedbag, but a simple farmgirl she is not. I give her two weeks after the last Survivor episode airs before her Playboy spread is all over the Internet, and I can?t wait for the extra hits!
If you haven’t already, don’t forget to join the Survivor Fantasy League. I have a private tribe that you can join if you ask me for an invitation.