A great injustice was done Tuesday night when Brandon and Nicole were not eliminated from The Amazing Race. The dating Christian models (though really Nicole is not a model, just a winner of a local beauty pageant) have consistently shown themselves to be racist, self-righteous whiners, but Tuesday they demonstrated yet another unappealing characteristic: misguided vanity.
After not being able to successfully make more than one mud brick using traditional Indian methods, Brandon became frustrated and convinced Nicole to go backwards to find the Fast Forward (for those not in the know, a Fast Forward allows a team to skip all tasks and proceed directly to the finish, but only if they complete the required task). For this particular Fast Forward, the task was to participate in a traditional Hindu ritual that required both team members to shave their heads. Of course as they ran desperately backward, I was squirming with delight at the idea of either of them having to shave their heads and what a catastrophic dilemma it would be for both of them.
When confronted with the possibility,
Nicole started to mumble something and Brandon immediately came to her rescue saying, “It’s okay, baby. We don’t have to do it,” and then later to the camera, “there was no way I was going to let them shave off Nicky’s beautiful hair.” Nicole’s reflections afterwards revealed a level of introspection we had not previously seen from her, “There was just no way. I mean, we’re models. Our hair is very important.” Actually, as I noted earlier, Nicole isn’t really a model, and it was obviously Brandon who didn’t want to shave off his long, flowing curls.
Fortunately for the two of them, Jesus was looking out for them because even though they arrived at the pit stop several hours after the other teams, it turned out to be a non-elimination round and their only punishment is starting the next round with no money, which Nicole can surely remedy with a little shameless flirting (God willing). As Brandon said, “The Lord wants us to stay in the game.” I think the Lord may be alone in that desire, since I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t love to see Brandon and Nicole suffer humiliating defeat, or at least say a swear word.
Perhaps we’ll hear Nicole say one when she sees the above photo of Brandon cavorting with a topless model (from the new Point Zero ad campaign that is polluting our city’s bus stops. They have the worst website ever, too. Damned Canadians). No, that girl is not Nicole in case you were wondering. Nicole’s ass is not that nice and she looks slightly retarded when not smiling. What I have to wonder is whether Brandon has ever felt his girlfriend’s naked breasts pressed against his torso, or whether that is just something he does at work.
In more timely news, the detention center on Pier 57 where they are holding arrested protestors may have asbestos and people are leaving covered in skin rashes and black soot. Three cheers for the police department watching out for public safety!