Tonight on Survivor: Guatemala, the episode began with Bobby Jon and Brandon comparing disgusting scabs, the result of pushing the big ball around during last week’s reward challenge. The wounds started out all white and puss-covered, but were crusty by the end of the hour. Fascinating! At one point while soaking in the pool, Bobby Jon used his scabby shoulder to lure minnows near enough so he could trap them in his scary maw! It was quite a raw Survivor moment.
What’s the perfect accompaniment to festering open wounds? Chocolate of course, and that was the prize for tonight’s reward challenge, which was one of my favorite so far. It required each Survivor to wrap themselves up in a strip of cloth and then proceed to wrap up their tribemates in the same cloth, forcing them up against each other, in often quite compromising positions. It harkened back to a moment in Survivor: Vanuatu where the teams (divided by gender) had to walk by each other on a narrow beam, often brushing boob to back and bulge to bottom. In that instance, it made the men so uncomfortable that they fell in the water, allowing the women to win a lifetime supply of Olay bodywash and Doritos. However tonight, Bobby Jon, Brandon, and Gary felt quite comfortable in each other’s arms and
won the reward that had all the girls’ eyes popping out: mountains of chocolate!
And what perfect timing, for after being voted “most in need of nourishment” by her tribemates a couple weeks ago, Danni has become more and more grotesquely thin to the point where I have to look away whenever she is onscreen for fear that her tiny booty shorts will fall off her quickly disappearing booty. The other person on the island who seems to be decaying before our eyes is former NFL quarterback Gary. While his scary lip has healed so he no longer looks like the Cryptkeeper, he is still wasting away, and for that reason I dub Gary and Danni the new “skeletwins” (see below).
[image courtesy of Defamer]
Thankfully Danni and Gary’s tribe won the reward, and they even struggled to eat a few pieces of chocolate before passing out from exhaustion.
Following the chocolate feast, the good-natured Nakum tribe (winners of the reward) took their boat over to the Yaxha tribe (losers) to offer a gesture of goodwill in honor of the special occasion of Danni’s birthday/sucking on a strawberry. They invited the other tribe to come over and swim in their “pool” and eat some of their chocolate since a couple of their members just couldn’t take the calories. The gathering that followed was boring except for the fact that you got to see Brandon, Bobby Jon, and Jamie with their shirts off before Jamie freaked out and made his tribe (Yaxha) go back because they were “getting too friendly.” At this point I will offer a tip to Jamie and other people who have never seen Survivor: you want to befriend the other tribe, especially before the two tribes merge together, which coincidentally is happening next week.
After that pleasant diversion, the teams underwent a boring immunity challenge of digging up giant puzzle pieces and putting them together. Yaxha won the challenge, forcing police sergeant Amy to do some quick thinking to get herself off the chopping block. She spoke with Danni, who brought up the possibility of voting out Bobby Jon, and my interest was piqued briefly because I remembered how Danni had flipped on retarded fratboy model Blake a few weeks ago. However, it was not meant to be and Amy was sent packing, which was too bad, because even though she was pretty much a useless lumbering oaf, I liked her accent and that whole speech about how she was going to “outwit” everyone. So much for that.
On a not really related note, the most compelling reality show of all-time will soon be released on DVD, according to this totally unsubstantiated rumor! That’s right, you will be able to own Charla, Dave, Tara, Keith, Toni, and the rest of the Paradise Hotel gang in all their vulgar (and hopefully uncensored) glory! Thank goodness someone at Fox was reading all my emails.