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!! Who has seen Tom Cruise’s secret baby? !!

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In the most unshocking news to date, Page Six reports that not even close friends of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have seen mysterious Baby Suri. I suspect that not even Tom and Katie have seen her, at least outside of their imaginations. It’s like a visualization exercise. If you tell enough papers, the baby starts to seem real, even three dimensional, and so you buy it a crib and adorable little outfits, but you don’t show it to anyone, because you know deep down they just wouldn’t understand.

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