If we learned anything from the Tonya Harding Incident of ’94, it’s never trust anything on skates. Of course, that applies double to bears! Whether it’s of the Polar, Grizzly, or Andrew Sullivan variety, everyone knows that a bear on ice skates is hell-of f*cking dangerous! It will f*ck you up!
That’s why my cocoa was chilled all the way to the marshmallows on Friday when I spotted the following headling on CNN.com: Ice skating bear kills Russian circus hand! According to the news report:
A bear on ice skates attacked two people during rehearsals at a circus in Bishkek, the capital of Kyrgyzstan, killing one of them, Kyrgyz officials said Friday.
In the incident, which happened Thursday, the 5-year-old animal killed the circus administrator, Dmitry Potapov, and mauled an animal trainer, who was attempting to rescue him.
“The incident occurred during a rehearsal by the Russian state circus company troupe which was performing in Bishkek with the program, Bears on Ice,” Ministry of Culture and Information director Kurmangazy Isanayev told reporters.
No word on whether the bear was wearing a tutu or other costume, but in any case, beware! Bears are really good at disguises, and they are excellent skaters. If you’re walking down the street and you see something large, brown and furry triple-axeling in your direction, shoot to kill!
(Read the full report here. Thanks to Nikolai for the tip.)