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!! OMG, maybe this time he’ll actually get naked: Levi Johnston !!

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE!! Are you sick of Levi Johnston yet? I know, you’re like, “Who? Remind me again?”
Reminder: Levi Johnston is the shameless Alaskan stud who gave Bristol Palin that bad case of the pregs back in whenever. (Bristol Palin is the teen mommy daughter of Sarah Palin, remember? Running-mate of John McCain? That mean old man who ran for president that one time? Oh, right! Him! Now you remember!)
Back to Mr. Johnston: he should teach a Learning Annex course in how to be a successful F-list pseudocelebrity because he will not get off my Google reader! Yes, he fake-dated Kathy Griffin and went on Tyra and also was in a baffling ad for pistachios, but the centerpieces of his strategy for remaining in the public eye have been his coy promises of nudity. First he was going to pose for Unzipped. Then it was going to be Playgirl, but no penis! Then back to Unzipped, maybe. (Because they are the most important gay news organization in the world, The Advocate published a long piece on the confusion.)
Now Mr. Johnston’s lawyer is promising promising promising that YES, Levi will be dropping his Levis for PLAYGIRL. He’s even hired a personal trainer and is working out 6 nights a week in preparation for the big photoshoot. Honey, it’s cute that you want to look good, but don’t you know that all we care about is the size of your salmon tackle? And all the working out in the world can’t change that.
One thing that most of the news outlets reporting on this momentous news have failed to mention is that Playgirl basically doesn’t even exist anymore. Oh, details, details, details! Just show us your junk, Levi! And this time you better not be f*cking around because I’m not going to write anything more about it until I see some peen. (I swear.)
(Photo via Just Jared)

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    I don’t care how worked out he gets, a double-digit IQ instantly makes any man (or in his case, boy) unhot.

    And there better be a boner too.

    Yes, the paper mag is gone, but the website is still going strong. So Mr. Johnston, keep up that training, dust off that pump, and show us the Alaskan tundra. And there better not be any NBNP (Nude But No Peen).

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