Oh, to be powerful! What I would give!
The Out Power 50 is online, and as usual I’m outraged not to be included in the ranks of movers and sashayers . As the leading (by some standards, i.e. my own!) purveyor of semi-nude pictures of male celebrities on this here World Wide Web, I would think I commanded more respect than this. But no. SNUBBED AGAIN!
People supposedly more powerful than me include:
- Tim Gunn, who commands the vast and untold ability to encourage reality show contestants to add “exuberance” to their hastily-
sewnglued teevee craft projects. Michael Kors must be spinning in his tanning bed at his own conspicuous lack of inclusion.
- Jodie Foster, whose next movie is called The Beaver and co-stars Mel Gibson and a puppet.
- Michael Patrick King, whose greatest recent accomplishment was putting Carrie Bradshaw on a camel.
- Dustin Lance Black whom I’m unashamed to admit that I hate out of pure, unadulterated spite/sour grapes. F*ck you Dustin!
- Suze “Don’t call me SOOZE” Orman, whose self-helpy books are proving no f*cking help whatsoever with this TurboTax shit.
- HRC party maestro Joe Solomonese, who knows how to plan a great menu for a gala banquet. (Salmon or chicken salmon or chicken salmon or chicken I CAN NEVER DECIDE!)
- Everyone’s favorite sitcom actor and awards show host Neil Patrick Harris. Mom Bmad thinks he’s a real cutie patootie!
- And– most powerfully— American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert. Are we sure they didn’t get this mixed up with the power bottom 50? (Turning!)
For a magazine named OUT, the list is also notable for featuring several people who aren’t out at all: at a quick glance I count Mr. Barry Furstenburg-Diller, Anderson Cooper and behatted siren queen of the web Matt Drudge, all of whom are at least semi-closeted.
What’s more interesting than the people included on the list are my fellow snubees. No Samantha Ronson? No Jim J. Bullock? Where’s The Real World‘s Genesis? And who on earth did lickly Atlanta housewife Kim Zolciak piss off to merit her exclusion?
Well, never mind the also-rans. The most powerful gay in the world is revealed to be none other than lesbian hostess cupcake Ellen DeGeneres. If closet cases and hostesses are allowed on this list then shouldn’t Her Royal O-ness have made an appearance? One toe ring to rule them all!
(Whatever, the list is fine, I’m obviously just jealous.)
[Out Power 50]