We all know that buying presents for family and loved ones during the holiday season can put a real strain on anyone’s wallet. And with my budget already heavily taxed by my prodigious consumption of alcohol, cigarettes and fast food, I’ve found that shoplifting is a great way to make ends meet and be sure that everyone on Santa’s list gets what he or she deserves.
Unfortunately, unlike Ailene Brown and Shmeco Thomas, two Oklahoma shoplifters, I’m at a disadvantage when it comes to theft. That’s because I’m just too skinny and beautiful! (The cigarettes balance out the fast food and keep my figure nice and svelte, duh.)
Ms. Ailene and Shmeco were recently apprehended at a TJ Maxx in Edmond, Oklahoma trying to waddle out of the store with $2,600 dollars of merchandise hidden in their boobs and fat rolls. I didn’t even know that TJ Maxx had $2,600 worth of merchandise in the entire store, but I guess that shows how little I know!
The womens’ ill-gotten and iller-concealed gains included four pair of boots, three pair of jeans, a wallet and gloves. I sure hope the store detective used his own gloves when extracting the loot from these rodeo queens’ dank crevices!
[Orlando Sentinel via Gawker]