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!! OMG, if you see this man, do not approach him: Texas Police Release World’s Least Helpful Police Sketch !!

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Whoever the police sketch artist is over at Texas’s Lamar Country sheriff’s department, needs a RAISE! Or a Gatorade and a greasy hamburger, cause they’re drunk. Either works. The authorities released this incredibly accurate rendering of their suspect this week when they attempted to track down a man who held up two women at knife point. I think Terence or Philip from South Park may have some explaining to do because according to Metro:

The suspect the police sketcher was trying to draw fits the victims’ description of a man ‘6 foot tall or a little taller, approximately 25 to 30 years old with no or very thin facial hair, and a muscular build.’
The description adds: ‘His nose was straight with no flare in the nostrils. He has short black hair and a round face, with tattoos covering both arms and a tattoo on the left side of his neck.’

This however, has yet to beat the gorgeous police sketch Portuguese authorities provided regarding the disappearance of Madeline McCann:
e-fit-5.jpgI feel safer already!
[via death&taxes via metro.uk]

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!! OMG, it’s based off their names: 2 Brand New ‘PubLIZity’ Clips From Season 2 of Kroll Show !!

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Kroll Show is back for a second season (with gueststars like Katy Perry), and in anticipation, the only skit that MATTERS aka PubLIZity — has 2 brand new clips for your, like, viewer pleasures!
This season, “pretty Liz” gets knocked-up and “other Liz” is forced to pick-up the pieces. Check out the chaos after the jump. The cupcakes look UHMAYZING!

[[ OMG, there’s more: JUMP IN to read the rest ]]

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!! OMG, the spawn of Satan: ‘Devil Baby’ terrorizes NYC, hilarity ensues! !!

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Devil’s Due is set to hit theatres this Friday, and to promote the film, production planned this public humiliation-style viral video involving a possessed baby that could only have be raised by Octomom and seemingly babysat in the evenings during her shifts at the stripclub by Kate Gosselin. Parenting at it’s best! Check out the baby terrorizing NYC below!

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!! OMG, presenting the hottest business card EVER: Chinese Billionaire’s card is the picture of modesty !!

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Chinese billionaire entrepeneur Chen Guangbiao is one of the wealthiest men in China, and he recently attempted to buy The New York Times!
He also happens to be the owner of the hottest business card ever known to mankind! It’s dripping with modesty and subtlety! Let’s go over Chen’s card, shall we?

Most Influential Person of China
Most Prominent Philanthropist of China
China Moral Leader
China Earthquake Rescue Hero
Most Well-known and Beloved Chinese Role Model
China Top Ten Most Honorable Volunteer
Most Charismatic Philanthropist of China
China Low Carbon Emission Environmental Protection Top Advocate
China’s Foremost Environmental Preservation Demolition Expert

How Patrick Bateman of him. Seriously though — I can take the piss out of Chen all I want, but he must be doing something right, considering he’s a BILLIONAIRE! Call me, papi!
[via dangerousminds]

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