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!! The world’s biggest assholes !!

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Yesterday afternoon, Union Square in Manhattan was flooded with kiwi-strawberry-flavored high fructose corn syrup, causing many waist-conscious New Yorkers to flee for safety. Under the guise of trying to erect the “world’s largest popsicle EVER,” this sneak attack was perpetrated by Snapple Beverage Group in an attempt to fatten up the one bastion of skinniness in the world’s most obese nation. Even if they aren’t really affiliated with the KKK or anti-abortion organizations, I am still offended by Snapple’s wanton use of corn-sweetener and bad commercials. Let’s not forget to thank Mayor Bloomberg for making Snapple the official drink of New York City, thus putting it into every public school for the overweight younger generation to consume on a daily basis. (Thanks for the tip, Laura)

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!! Now where will I watch my football? !!

Wait, I hate football. After failing to win unanimous support from the New York State Public Authorities Control Board, the proposal for the West Side Stadium, and hopefully New York’s bid for the 2012 Olympics, have finally breathed their last breaths. State Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver and Senate majority leader Joseph Bruno vetoed the proposal yesterday, but was it for personal reasons? Corruption or no, I’m just happy the area around Penn Station won’t become any more insufferable than it already is.

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!! For transient young adults only !!

With Paul Rademacher’s new hack that combines Google Maps with Craig’s List, I can now see on a map all the too-good-to-be-true, fake apartment listings in Manhattan for under $1200. HousingMaps will revolutionize my futile search for my own apartment, as it has with all these people. Now if only they could overlay the subway map, murder rates, and proximity to organic grocery stores and loud, horrible bars like the Red Lion. I guess I can always search in Cincinnati or Las Vegas.

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!! Making the Internet safer for you and me !!

Once again, Eliot Spitzer, lawyer of the people and Attorney General/future Governor of New York State, is taking a stand against suckiness. Intermix Media Inc., owners of Myspace.com (Friendster‘s retarded cousin), have been secretly installing toolbars on users’ computers, redirecting them to useless advertisements, and for that they are being sued. Spitzer finds such tactics “more than an annoyance,” and for that reason he is taking them to task, following his successful crusades against Wall Street and the insurance industry.
It’s nice to know that some good can persist despite these dark times. At least CBS and NBC didn’t bow completely to the President last night, cutting his speech short to make sure that two very important shows, Survivor and The Apprentice were not delayed for more than one hour. Thank you, CBS and NBC, for understanding that it is “hard work” to wait an entire hour to see Survivor while the President talks about nothing. Now if only they would be so considerate during baseball season.

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!! Don’t you just hate ugly people? !!

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In her last night at the Fez Under Time Cafe, Joan Rivers had a slight cold, but still looked ravishing in a flowy green shirt/dress she purchased on her recent St. Patrick’s Day trip to Ireland. She riffed repeatedly on ugly people of all sorts: Eskimos, Indians (Native Americans), Donatella Versace (“she looks like something you hang on your wall in Africa!”), and Jews who “don’t get their noses fixed.”
Other highlights included Joan’s disappointment in her daughter Melissa’s decision to turn down (but really, who turned down whom?) Playboy magazine’s recent $500,000 offer. “I had to say, ‘whatever you want, dear,’ but really I wanted to tell her to show them her cootch for another $100,000! Sigh… $500,000! That’s a lot of money!” On a related note, Joan’s heart went out to her good friend Michael Jackson, while expressing some good-natured jealousy over the amounts of the out-of-court settlements his little adolescent friends have received. “Why couldn’t I have had a son?”
Oh Joan, we had only 45 minutes together and I miss you already.

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