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!! OMG, Eric Massa Can’t Keep His Hands to Himself !!

Oh hey! Have you been following this whole Eric Massa scandal? The former Democratic congressman (he resigned on the 5th) is caught up in a whole web of scandal based on (obviously true!) allegations of his totally crazy gay antics. The latest is today’s breaking news from Politico that

The House ethics committee has received allegations that former Rep. Eric Massa groped at least three male staffers and conducted himself improperly with interns as well as full-time aides, a source familiar with the matter tells POLITICO.

I’m starting to wonder what kind of parents would send their virginal little boys bois off to be congressional interns. Shit, at least when you sent your kids to Michael Jackson’s house for a sleepover, he’d give you a Rolex or whatever as a bribe. But now Mr. Jackson is dead, the Neverland Ranch is all boarded up, and the House of Representatives is starting to look like America’s molestiest house! (Not to worry– with news of the Pope’s gay hooker ring, the Vatican still holds the international title.)
BUT ANYWAY, obviously the absolute best part of the whole Massa scandal are the former congressman’s bizarre (and erotic!!!) counter-allegations, which involve a sexy, nude locker room showdown with Obama Chief-of-Staff and white-haired sex-machine Rahm Emanuel:

“Let me tell you a story about Rahm Emanuel,” Massa started. “I was a congressman in my first eight weeks, and I was in the congressional gym, and I went down and I worked out and I went into the showers…I’m sitting there showering, naked as a jaybird and here comes Rahm Emanuel not even with a towel wrapped around his tush, poking his finger in my chest, yelling at me because I wasn’t going to vote for the president’s budget. Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man?

“By the way, what the heck is he doing in the Congressional gym,” Massa continued. “He goes there to intimidate members of Congress…He’s hated me since day one, and now he wins.”

Hmm! I wonder what could possibly be so intimidating about a naked Rahm Emanuel!?
AND WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? I cannot wait to find out!
[Huffington Post]

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!! OMG, He’s Gay: Anti-Gay State Politician Roy Ashburn !!

Who would ever dream that an anti-gay state senator would turn out to be a drunk and corpulent homosexual?
Oh actually everyone would guess that! Because it seems to be what happens every time!

SACRAMENTO (CBS13) ― Sources tell CBS13 a state senator from Southern California was arrested for allegedly driving drunk after leaving Faces, a gay nightclub in midtown Sacramento, early Wednesday morning.
The California Highway Patrol pulled over Senator Roy Ashburn at 2:00 a.m. Wednesday after an officer noticed a black Chevy Tahoe swerving at 13th and L Streets.
Ashburn, a father of four, is a Republican Senator representing parts of Kern, Tulare and San Bernardino Counties with a history of opposing gay rights
When the officer stopped the state-issued vehicle, the driver identified himself as Senator Ashburn. He was arrested without incident and charged with two misdemeanors: driving under the influence and driving with a blood alcohol level higher than .08% or higher.

(CBS 13 via The Awl)

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!! OMG, She Has To Wonder: Rep. Nancy Elliot !!

Dep thot of the day: New Hampshire state rep. Nancy Elliot (the Carrie Bradshaw of provincial Republican bitches!) muses on the topic of same-sex marriage. By which I mean, duh, she’s been obsessing about poop:
“We’re talking about taking the penis of a man and putting it in the rectum of another man and wriggling it around in excrement. And you have to think, would I want that to be done to me?”

You do have to think, don’t you! Hmm! THINKING RIGHT NOW!
(Via Wonkette)

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!! OMG, The American Public finally makes up its mind: No homo but gay is yay! !!

So it turns out that people are totally fine with gays/lesbians in the military— just not “homosexuals.” I can understand that! Who wants to share a bunk with someone who’s anythingsexual? Clearly that person will be masturbating all the time. Gays, however: big deal! That just means happy, right? The poll didn’t ask about fudge-packers, pansies, fags or those that are strictly dickly,

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!! OMG, He’s Endowed: John Edwards !!

While everyone else is eagerly awaiting the Winter Olympics, I’m on pins and needles for the release of John Edwards’s upcoming sex tape, shot with babymama/crazyperson Rielle Hunter!
Johnny may be one of the most personally despicable politicians ever, but you have to admit that for a 50+-year-old man, he’s reasonably attractive. Annnnd it turns out he has a giant penis! Gawker reports:

Sources have told us that, in the throes of their affair, John Edwards and Rielle Hunter made a sex tape that contains “several sex acts.” And that his aide, Andrew Young found it on an unmarked DVD.
The tape, say both our sources, is explicit and reveals that Edwards “is physically very striking, in a certain area. Everyone who sees it says ‘whoa’. She’s behind the camera at first.”

The sex tape has yet to surface, but it’s surely only a matter of time. (I hope I hope I hope.) Hey former Edwards staffers: send the tape to me! Nick Denton will probably give you a shitload of money, but I’m offering a BJ!

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