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!! OMG, I wouldn’t teabag that: Teabaggers !!

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I got so excited this weekend when I found out there was a big TEA PARTY at the White House. Since I’m currently spending some time in the great US capital of the USA anyway, I trotted downtown looking my most clean and pretty, hoping to get some hot tea bag action. Hey, I’ve heard that there are some perfectly sexxxy Republicans out there, and if they’ll enthusiastically suck my nuts I don’t care what they think about healthcare. But to my incredible surprise, all the teabaggers were butt-ugly freaks! And also totally crazzzzy.
Don’t believe me? There’s now a blog about it: Look At This Fucking Teabagger. If you can find one teabagger you’d teabag, you win a special OMG Surprise. (The surprise is, of course, these nuts.)

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!! OMG How Disgusting/Hot: Dirty-Talking Republicans !!


There’s something kind of sexy about dirty-talking Republicans, no matter how old and gross they are. It’s just so taboo, right? Perhaps even the sweetest taboo?! Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far. But anyway.
Sweetest or not, today is a great day, because California Republican assemblyman Michael D. Duvall has been caught giving the play-by-play on his sexual conquests into a hot mic in the California Legislature. Apparently Duvall has been getting down with a naughty 36-year-old lobbyist (with unusual taste in undies?) and can’t stop bragging about it! It’s all on tape:

“She wears little eye-patch underwear,” said Duvall, who is married with two 
children. “So, the other day she came here with her underwear, Thursday. And
 so, we had made love Wednesday–a lot! And so she’ll, she’s all, ‘I am going 
up and down the stairs, and you’re dripping out of me!’ So messy!”

“So, I am 
getting into spanking her. Yeah, I like it. I like spanking her. She goes,
 ‘I know you like spanking me.’ I said, ‘Yeah! Because you’re such a bad 
girl!'”

It’s so European! Except much more trashy and depressing! And it goes on.
Assemblyman Duvall is obviously an outspoken crusader against gay marriage and a staunch advocate of so-called family values. I suppose spankings are a kind of family value, so maybe it all makes sense.
The above video features the audio of some of Duvall’s steamy exchange. Keep your hands out of your pants, boys! I know it’s erotic, but I’m sure you have work you should be doing.
P.S., It’s off the subject but KCAL 9’s intrepid investigative reporter in the above video deserves a whole post of his own. Give this man a newsmagazine show!
(Quotes from The OC Weekly via Gawker)
UPDATE: After being stripped of his committee posts, Duvall has resigned from his position.

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!! OMG how outrageous: Conservatives !!


Remember, say, four years ago when if you said even the tiniest bad thing about the president of the USA it meant you were a person who wanted young boys to die a deserty death a million miles from home? I bet you do! How quickly the worm turns! Now if you don’t think the president is the equivalent of Hitler, it means youmust be Hitler too! Everyone’s Hitler! Except William F. Buckley, I guess– and he’s dead!
I know this is all so obvious that it goes without saying (and don’t worry– this isn’t going to become a political blog) but f*ck all of these people.

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!! OMG, we take it back: Levi Johnston to Preserve His Innocence !!

MotherF! Asleep at the wheel again! No sooner do we mention Levi Johnston’s alleged upcoming UNZIPPED disrobing than does Gawker report that the former-almost-Mr. Palin will be posing for Playgirl instead!
Okay, so we got our information wrong, but at least we’ll still get to see Levi’s salmon bait, right? WRONG. Gawker also reports that little Tent Palin’s daddy will NOT be displaying his Great Northern Thing. That’s right: Mr. Johnston is posing for Playgirl but is choosing to disrespect his weiner-crazed fanbase at OMG Blog by keeping the dime between his ankles… and his undies ON.
What the f*ck? This can only mean one thing, of course: 8==D. No? Prove it!
(Also: uh, I’m too lazy to Google it but I swear I thought Playgirl folded like a year ago?)
UPDATE: I’m not going to do another post about this, because really how much Levi Johnston can one site take, but the plot thickens– it seems that Gawker’s report was incorrect, or at least premature. Luckily, The Advocate has a truly exhaustive investigation into the situation. It’s nice to know that even in this day and age, hard-hitting gay journalism survives!

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!! OMG, It’s Simple! Levi Johnston in One Syllable !!

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Are you curious what Palin babydaddy Levi Johnston has to say about Sarah Palin in his new Vanity Fair tell-all piece, Me and Mrs. Palin? Are you too stupid/lazy to actually read a whole article in that highfalutin, elitist magazine? (We only ask because we’ve been noticing a lot of hits to this blog from Wasilla lately! Just saying!)
Anyway, if you answered yes to the above questions, you’re in luck, because Alex Balk at The Awl has handily rewritten Johnston’s whole memoir using only clear, concise, one-syllable words. A sample:

Sarah’s not one to cry a lot but she sure did cry when we told her Bristol was knocked up. Sarah was mad since she had just said on TV that Bristol was not knocked up. I thought Todd was going to kick my ass but he just told me that Bristol and I would have to tie the knot quick. I got a ring from Zales.

Sarah had an idea that we should lie and not talk about how Bristol was knocked up. She and Todd would take the baby. She kept on us to do it but we told her no. It was not a shock, since Sarah had lied when she was knocked up with Trig.

See that? No-frills, no fanciness, and so simple even the most patriotic American non-elitist can easily understand it! Scamper on over to The Awl to read the whole thing.
PS I know you’re excited for next month when Levi poses nude for UNZIPPED. Don’t worry, I’m already warming up my scanner!

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