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!! OMG, Breaking: Conan Quits! !!

Conan O’B, America’s most beleaguered ginger, just released the following statement:

People of Earth:

In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky. That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision.

Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over The Tonight Show in June of 2009. Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004 I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future. It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.

But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my Tonight Show in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate the Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years the Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn’t matter. But with the Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more.

There has been speculation about my going to another network but, to set the record straight, I currently have no other offer and honestly have no idea what happens next. My hope is that NBC and I can resolve this quickly so that my staff, crew, and I can do a show we can be proud of, for a company that values our work.

Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way.



Conan notes that to move to 12:05 would be “unfair” to Jimmy Fallon– a consideration that is obviously beyond Leno’s grasp.
Whether or not any of this can be called Jay Leno’s “fault” is debatable, but it surely reminds us that being a talentless hack will take you to the top of the heap and keep you there!

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!! OMG, He Douches: Bear Grylls !!

If there’s one way to prove your manhood, it’s by giving yourself an enema on national television! And no one has ever accused Man Vs. Nature’s wilderness warrior Bear Grylls of being anything less than 100% total man.
Whether or not he is gross, on the other hand, I leave up to you the reader.

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!! OMG, Breaking! Jay Leno screws Conan yet again! !!

OMG get me Helen Kushnick on the phone! Jay Leno, America’s biggest hack, is getting his 11:30 show back, reports TMZ!! (How come no one ever calls ME with these scoops?)
What happens to Conan remains to be seen, but it can’t be good. Whatever Mr. O’Brien’s fate, I think this proves beyond a shadow of a doubt (if it wasn’t proven years ago!) that Jay Leno is the dirtiest asshole in a dirty asshole business. (I won’t belabor the point by mentioning how unfunny Jay is, because, you know, duh.)
The silver lining here is that this means we’ll be getting actual television at 10pm again– that is, if NBC can prevail upon itself to produce anything that’s actually worth watching.

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!! OMG, They’re “Famous”: The Cast of Celebrity Apprentice 3 !!

The cast of Celebrity Apprentice 3 was announced today, and like last time, it has a bona fide celebrity-to-me and gay icon in the person of Ms. Cyndi Lauper! There are also a few other semi-famous people and reality TV veterans on it in addition to the usual wrestlers, sluts, and mixed-martial losers filling out the cast. My main complaint: WHERE’S OMAROSA???!
The cast, from left to right, is “real Elaine” Carol Leifer, Sinbad, lady wrestler Maria Kanellis, bribey former governor Rod Blagojevich, Sharon Osbourne (oh, that old thing?), Olympics person Michael Johnson, Trumpy (duh), chef Curtis Stone, the glorious Ms. Lauper, another wrestler (who cares!?), a baseball player I have heard of named Darryl Strawberry, the bewigged Brett Michaels, undie model Selita Ebanks (for Trump’s pleasure, of course), swimmer Summer Sanders, and Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper’s Holly Robinson Peete, who went to the same college as me and Frank, so yay?
Excited now?
(EW Popwatch)

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