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!! OMG, She’s coming to New York: The Millionaire Matchmaker !!


Millionaires guard your precious $$! Duane Reade guard your nylon clip-on hair extensions! Mothers guard your whore-babies!
I could go on, but I’m too busy trying find my headshot– because Patti Stanger is leaving La La Land and heading here to New York City to shoot season four of her hit shit-show, The Millionaire Matchmaker.
Known for her bargain-basement “casting calls” and special-means-retarded aphorisms, Patti Stanger’s business plan revolves around supplying rich idiots with gold-digging hookers. While that’s certainly a model that will work well in NYC (someone please sign me up!) it remains to be seen whether Patti wither up and die once she leaves the toxic, Juicy Couture-scented bubble that surround Los Angeles and gives her sustenance.
Well, who am I kidding? I might make fun of Patti and her “clients,” but we all know I’m already flat-ironing and highlighting my hair and practicing my stripaerobics in preparation for her arrival. The search for my rich husband is on! Patti, can you help?
[Inside TV]

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!! OMG, How Star-studded: Mary (1978) !!


I bet you didn’t know that Mary Tyler Moore used to have a variety show costarring David Letterman, Swoozie Kurtz an Michael Keaton! No shit! And as you can tell from the open, hilarity ensued! (For three weeks until it was cancelled at least.)
I know it’s a little after the fact but can we start a letter-writing campaign to get this back in the air ASAP?

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!! OMG, Hot Tranny Rescue: TRANSform Me !!

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Still mourning the loss of Queer Eye For the Straight Guy?! Of course! We all are! But you know– gays are very 2003. And let’s not even talk about the Daughters of Sappho. They went out with GO FISH and BOUND. I don’t even think I’ve laid eyes on a lesbian since Janet Reno was still Attorney General.
Obviously it’s all about trannies these days! And being on the vanguard of alternative gender identity means it’s time for a makeover show on reality teevee! Enter: TRANSform Me, the groundbreaking new program where a bunch transwomen tell a bunch of frumpy non-trans hausfraus how to look fabulous fierce like hot tranny messes. Emphasis on the hot, of course!

TRANSform Me is a makeover show in which a team of three transgender women, led by the inimitable Laverne Cox (I Want To Work For Diddy), rescues women from personal style purgatory. Laverne and her ultra-glam partners in crime have undergone the ultimate transformation, so they’re the perfect women for the job.
They’ll travel the country in their tricked out fashion ambulance, siren blaring, and swoop into scenes of fashion disaster. They’ll not only make women look better but feel a whole lot better about themselves. It’s about discovering one’s inner personal style. […] The subject expects to be made over for a reality show–but she doesn’t know it’s going to be by three transgender women.

Will this program be empowering and barrier-breaking? Or will it just be another pathetic minstrel show embarrassment? My money is on who cares I’m watching! Which isn’t saying a lot cause VH1 could give Adolph Hitler himself a dating show and I’d watch it just to avoid having to change the channel after Celebrity Rehab. But check out the TRANSform Me page and decide for yourself…

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!! OMG, They’re Back: The Real Housewives of NYC !!


Yay! The Real Housewives of NYC return to television tomorrow. While you know I will watch just about anything with the word HOUSEWIFE in the title, the Orange County trashbags who’ve been clogging the Bravo airwaves for the last few months have just gotten too scary for me. It’s like a David Lynch reality show, which seems like a great idea but actually that shit has just been giving me nightmares.
I’m so happy and relieved to get back to the simpler pleasures of the New York ladies, who– for all their flaws and weirdnesses– still seem to reside on the planet Earth. In this clip from the new season, resident manners Queen Mrs. The Countess Luann De Lesseps gives Bethenny an etiquette lesson on the subject of who should pay for things. (The poorer one always pays, duh!)
Set your DVR’s!

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