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!! OMG, Stay Away From His Precious: Jay Leno Explained !!

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Judging by the comments in the OMG comment-sack, our gentle readers (always ones to eschew conventional wisdom!) seem torn as to who they should side with in the currently escalating Conan-Leno war. After all, Jay Leno seems like such a nice man, and he sure does tickle that funny bone without causing any undue offense or confusion. On the other hand, despite the vague, suspicious smell of the Ivy League/Fake America, Conan O’Brien seems like a nice enough fellow too! WHAT TO MAKE OF ALL THIS?

Luckily, Felix Gillette at the New York Observer comes to the rescue, handily explaining exactly what’s so gross about smiling, unthreatening Jay Leno: he’s the Gollum of the airwaves. How did I not notice this before?

…Mr. Leno sounds less like a fuzzy fellow worthy of Middle America and more like a dangerous beast from Middle-Earth–not unlike, say, Gollum from The Lord of the Rings. In J.R.R. Tolkien’s classic tale, Gollum is a once noble animal who (like Leno is his early days as a stand-up comic) was beloved by his peers. But then Gollum takes possession of an incredibly powerful ring, which not only extends his life but also gradually saps him of his humanity. Alone with no family or friends, continued possession of the ring becomes Gollum’s only purpose in life. Gradually, his proto-self “Smeagol” disappears and is replaced by a nasty, treacherous personality, which leaves him two-faced to the world. In “Slinker” mode, he comes across as servile, toothless and eager to please. But as “Stinker,” he lurks quietly in the shadows, hiding in the closet, ready to bite off the finger of anyone who tries to get between him and his “precious”–a.k.a. The Tonight Show.

If you still think Leno’s the one getting the raw deal here, click over to the Observer to read the rest of Mr. Gillette’s highly illuminating piece.
[New York Observer]

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!! OMG, she’s on the pole: Martha Stewart !!

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If you’re like me and don’t have a real job, I hope you’re as obsessed with the Martha Stewart show as I am. Ever since this lady got out of the big house she has been absolutely on fire! Whether she’s doing yoga with Mrs. Sting Trudie Styler, having an on air mother-daughter tiff with her bitchy spawn Alexis or interviewing weird bloggers, Martha always comes to the table with a f*ck-it joie de vivre that is truly inspiring in its craziness. Today, she pole dances with Sheila Kelley, the S Factor workout queen. Although Martha begs Ms. Kelley to let her do “the upside-down things,” the routine sadly doesn’t quite make it there. It’s still the best thing I’ve seen since Hoda and Kathie Lee this morning though!
Since I can’t find an embeddable version of the video, click over to Jezebel to watch Martha in action.
[Jezebel]

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!! OMG, Mo’Nique for the win !!


Did you watch the Golden Globes AKA the Retarded Oscars? I did! And guess what!? I haven’t been so bored since high school when they decided to institute two-hour calculus. Why is this televised, and more importantly, why do people insist on watching it? Why did I watch it? Who knows!
The one and only good part (besides Chloe Sevigny’s Big Love win, which was much-deserved and a bit unexpected but still not actually interesting) was Mo’Nique’s acceptance speech, which was graceful, funny and kinda moving without making you totally want to puke.
Unfortunately I still puked an hour later when Precious herself got shafted in favor of Sandra Bullock for her role of Precious’s boyfriend’s mom. Chalk up another one for beautiful white lady saviors! Oh well.

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