!! OMG, It's Justified and Ancient: Scientists uncover very old dildo !!
I just hope they boiled it or something: archaeologists in Sweden (coincidentally the home of the Swedish massage, Swedish Fish and the Swedish Chef) have discovered a suspiciously boner-like object, carved out of an antler, which they suspect to be the world's mustiest known dildo. But don't get too excited, boys-- all reports claim that the faux-phallus measures in at a wimpy four inches.*
Naturally the archaeologists are loathe to jump to conclusions, pointing out that no one can know for sure if this item was ever used in the pursuit of sweaty caveman pleasure. One Gšran Gruber (of the National Heritage Board in Sweden!) sensibly points out that the non-business end could also have been used to "chip flakes of flint."
Of course, it seems beside the point what use was actually intended for the thing. Everyone who's ever tended a vegetable garden knows that if there's an even penis-like object to be found, there's also surely someone willing to stick it all up in himself. Mark my words: whether or not this ancient artifact was purchased at Ye Olde Sexxxe Shoppe, it has surely seen the inside of a man's butt!
*Although it totally looks like a slightly more respectable five or even six in the picture, right? Don't ask me!
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